83rd Oscars.... why don't I have one yet?

The Oscars are over. 83 of them, of which I have seen….well…. less than 83. Piss off.

First of all, Anne Hathaway was wonderful. She was funny. The “Inception” themed homage to the top films (and Alec Baldwin) was pretty well done. A few moments lagged; certainly nowhere NEAR the equal of Billy Crystals Hannibal Lector montage…. However, once they got on to the stage…. is James Franco really an actor?

I know Brando refused to learn his lines, and worked only off a teleprompter. Ray Doherty once told me, when I corrected a line he delivered in a show I was stage managing “Anyone can read a line the way it’s written...”. OK, that was Ray. He was a good actor. Franco looked like he was not only reading off a teleprompter all night, but like he had no desire to be there, and had missed dress rehearsal as well. I ask you, if you got to work with Anne Hathaway and rub elbows with Hollywood royalty all night, would you not want to look like a pro? Or at least a talented amateur? They should have left him under a rock. He was so stiff he might have forgotten to take the hangers out of the rented tux.

Enough of that. Franco sucked (except for a brief moment in the Marilyn ensemble). Hathaway was brilliant. And cute. Always a plus. I still miss Steve Martin, and Billy Crystal, and Greg Proops on the runway with Melissa Rivers. Sue me.

I picked 7 out of 21 tonight; I should have placed wagers online on my Vegas book. Oh well. I didn’t see any of the Documentaries this year (again) so they don’t count. I thought Natalie deserved Best Actress for “Black Swan”, “Alice in Wonderland” for costume design (only “The Tempest” was surreal out of all of the rest, which were just…clothes) “Inception” for sound editing (nice work Tom O’Connell!) “The Lost Thing” for animated short, “Wolfman” for makeup (the only GOOD thing in the film) and “The King’s Speech” for Screenplay and Best Picture.

Melissa Leo over Amy Adams for Best Supporting was a toss-up. I confess, having a crush on Amy ever since “Enchanted” and “Doubt” ( why do I STILL not like Meryl Streep??) and “Julie and Julia” (and again…WTF?) I wanted her to win. Plus she was prettier than Melissa in the film. OK, in real life also, but Melissa is not exactly a drab…
In point of fact, there are only two I disagreed with strongly. One was “Inception” for Cinematography. To me, Cinematography is the brilliant filming of sweeping vistas, incredible scenery, awesome sets and gorgeous sunrises or sunsets. I picked “True Grit”, and they chose “Inception”, which owed most of it’s setting to CGI. Meh.

Christian Bale over Geoffrey Rush? What The Fuck? (notice, no subtle acronym). Seriously? This is like putting Justin Bieber in a commercial with Ozzy Osbourne (OK, they did that…) and then saying Justin is the more legendary. Christian BALE? CHRISTIAN Bale? Over Geoffrey Rush? Jesus H Christ on a crutch, are these the same people that elected Bush for a second term, is that why? Arrghhh. Everyone seemed surprised that I think a whiny egotistical tantrum throwing foul mouthed unprofessional violent antagonistic threat making piss-ant doesn’t deserve a nomination, much less an AWARD….. Christian Bale represents everything I find amateur in actors. I don’t care HOW good he looks or sounds on screen. If he behaves like a prima donna off screen, especially with the crew and production teams, without which he would be on a street corner busking… OK, wait one, BRB, my venom is melting the letters off the keys…

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I love Mumms.

One of my favorite moments was Kirk Douglas. I had two feelings here. At first I felt like having him up there when his speech is so impaired from the strokes was mean and degrading. Then I see him look over at Anne and say “You are lovely!” and I realize I am wrong. Plus his teasing of the Best Supporting Actress nominees… he didn’t slur any worse than Harrison Ford a few years ago….. and thank you Melissa, for the F-Bombs. I also really liked the set; the use of digital screens to allow projection in any scope, or lighting/stage visual effects was wonderful. We use them in rock shows often.

In summation; If you have NOT seen at least 50% of the films nominated, you are short changing yourself. If you are an actor or actress and have not seen at least 80% of the films, you are missing out on very cheap acting lessons. And if you think Christian Bale deserved an award, you are an idiot. Phhhbbbbfffttt.