The Case of the Partial Review

Right. After reading some comments on Facebook (some from people who are not actually followers of my blog... yet... ahem... (grin)...) I realized that there was an omission to my review on "A Game of Shadows"; i.e., how does it stack up to the original stories? What about the Basil Rathbone series, Jeremy Brett's epic portrayls, or the modern "Sherlock"? How about all the great odds and ends, like "Without a Clue", or "The Seven Percent Solution", the wonderfully funny "Sherlock Holmes Smarter Brother"? There is even a BBC series where Arthur Conan Doyle "reveals" the inspiration for the Holmes stories, called "Dr. Bell and Mr, Doyle. If you are a fan of Holmes, check this series out by all means..... anyway, I started to write this as a postscipt to the review, when I realized that this really need a whole new blog. Especially after I spent 20 minutes on writing it. ^..^

Sherlock Holmes may well be the most adapted character in literature. There are literally hundreds of films, dozens of TV and radio series, spinoff stories by people like Stephen King and Laurie King (no relation)Neil Gaiman, and the character was even given a Royal Society "Honorary Fellowship" about ten years ago. He has gone up against Dracula, been placed in modern times and the future, been on the Animaniacs... and yes, I have read or watched damn near everything Holmesian (is that a word? it is now). My grandmother was a huge fan, and got me started on her first collection when I was nine or so. My brother grabbed the books when she moved on. I'll have to kill him to get them I suspect. Ooops... ignore that.

So, as far as the two films by Guy Ritchie go, they are far from spot-on to the original ACD stories. They were never intended to be so however; like so many of these other works, they are an homage to "the greatest detective ever writen". I thoroughly enjoyed George C. Scott as the mentally unbalanced patient being treated by "Dr. Watson". Watching Nicol Williamson as the cocaine addicted Holmes in "The Seven Percent Solution" did not offend me in any way... though Williamson himself did, after he injured another actor on Broadway during a stage fight, because Nicol was too arrogant to show up for practice. Oaf. He was so awesome as Little John in "Robion and Marian".... oh well. I laughed during damn near every minute of Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman's portrayals, as well as the one by Michale Caine and Ben Kingsley.

I love to see all the little influences in film, television, novels of sci-fi, fantasy, steanpunk. Hell, he is even part of the inspiration behind Dr. Who (yechhh), and so many other detective characters. Batman's crime deduction methods are obviously takne from Holmes, and Johnny Depp gives him a nod in "Sleepy Hollow". You see tribute paid in Tom and Jerry cartoons, Mickey Mouse, you even see Daffy Duck wearing the famous deerstalker hat.

These two movies are action/adventure/comedies, and aren't intended to re-define or re-spin Holmes and Watson, any more than the anime dog Sherlock Holmes was. They should be looked at, not with a severely jaundiced eye, but with the affection for anything that introduces the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to a new generation of fans. If even one person in two hundred picks up a Kindle and downloads "The Hound of the Baskervilles" (which scared the hell out of me as a kid) or "The Sign of the Four" then I think the movies did a superb service.

And maybe, just maybe, one of the people reading those stories will start thinking a little more clearly; begin looking more carefully and closely at the world around them; and run for President.

I can dream, can't I?

The Girl With the Sherlock Tattoo

I just saw "Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows" and can safely say it's as fun

as the first one. Hopefully, I can write a review without spoilers.. but be warned anyway. Guy Ritchie directed this second film, so from the standpoint of visuals it has the same look as the first. Gritty London streets, fantastic and varied costuming, and a roller-coaster pacing throughout the film. Hans Zimmer returned to score the film, Jenny Beavan was once more in charge of the spectacular period costumes, and Richard Ryan as the Fight Director served up another round of the intriguing (albeit Matrixy) slo-mo "pre-vis" Holmes fights. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law worked seamlessly once more as Holmes and Watson, and with Kelly Reilly and Rachel McAdams back as the lovely Mary Watson (nee Morstan) and the slinky "whose side am I on now" Irene Adler, there are two lovely faces to watch. Added to the already great cast are Stephen Fry as Mycroft Holmes; you might recognize him from "V: For Vendetta", and the much prettier Noomi Rapace, the original and hardcore "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" actress. Tom O'Connell, one of the tribe of O'Connell's spawned by Skywalker Sound handled Foley this time around, so the explosions are big without being ear-piercing, and the little nuances are all there to fill the appropriate momments. Holmes is up against Moriarty (who else???) and the game is afoot from frame 4. Plot twists are relatively few, and there are several important clues and foreshadowings dropped.. and I missed one of them. There are plenty of funny scenes in the film, including a badly cross-dressed Holmes, and wait for Stephen Fry's big moment. There is also a sly little nod to "Two Mules For Sister Sara", which I just happened to see again a few weeks ago. They use the title theme from that movie at one point, and when you see this, you will know why and get an extra laugh. The confrontations between Moriarty and Holmes are the slowest sections of the film; but since they are filled with innuendo, snide repartee, and that lovely Victorian England uber-polite "I hate you, and plan to fill your intestines with burning coals. Tea?" dialogue, you don't get bored by the change of tempo. If "My Dinner With Andre" had that sort of dialogue and tension, I would own it. All in all, well worth my time and money; and the audience applauded heartily at the end; always a good sign. Did I mention that Noomi is hot?

The Waking Dead

I was probably ill-advised to watch three episodes of "The Walking Dead" after getting home from a load out last night. I had missed parts of episodes three and four, and had not yet seen number five. Since we finished at 11PM, I thought "Some wine, crackers, and cheese, and zombies. How could it get any better?" Idjit. So there I am at shortly after midnight, watching again as Shane shoots Otis. As I told my friend Jacob, there was a logic there I could follow. The only thing Shane really cares about is Lori and Carl, and (sort of) Rick; everyone else is disposable. Doesn't alter the fact that Shane is a dick... Anyway, the story sort of carried over into Dreamland. There I am, in some non-survivors pre-Zombiepocalypse fortified home; apparently Bill Gates isn't the only one. Trust me to find a home built of Oak panels over solid concrete with 1 1/2 inch thick bulletproof plexiglass windows, and slick ceramic tiling on the roof in a dream about zombies. Needless to say, with this nice secure base I need roomies; I picked two women (who looked like no one I know, thanks for asking), an old guy, my brother, three unidentified friends... and every cat the Crandall clan has ever owned. All of them about one year old. Somehow I had also "friended" a young tigress and her two cubs. They lived in the enclosed sunroom of course. Apparently my foray into the closest military camp area, trying to get them to come help by drawing a zombie horde towards them was not enough adventure. I went back to my little castle, and set off the "Zombie Whistle" to draw some in so I could shoot them. Nice guy. There I am, zombies pounding pointlessly on the glass and high walls, when I wake up. To the sound of dull pounding outside my room. Oh-oh.... turns out my neighbor is having some work done on his house. Still, I woke up thinking "I'm not prepared! I need a crossbow still!"

Bye Bye Birdie rehearsal stunts.

I just saw several friends perform in a Starting Arts production of "Bye Bye Birdie", and promised I would share... AFTER their show closed.... stunts that we pulled during one summer production.

“Bye Bye Birdie” was one of the shows we did at the Drama/Music Workshop, a summer school program held at Sequoia High School in Redwood City. Our theatre is slightly larger than the Wilcox stage, and had a balcony seating 120 (since removed). All the theatre and music departments in the district participated, and the Director, Choreographer, Orchestra/Music and Tech Director jobs rotated among the faculty. We had five weeks to put the shows up, and ran for 3 weeks, with a Thursday night and Sunday matinee; 12 performances total. We had brushups on Tuesday afternoon, and during the run of “Birdie” our TD called us all together (I was deck crew chief and ASM). We planned a whole series of jokes for the brushup. In (sort of) order we:
Swapped Albert’s aspirin. I carved two Alka Seltzer tablets down to make several small round “aspirin” and carved a “B” on them. When Albert tossed them in his mouth… water made it even funnier.
During “How Lovely to be a Woman” I sabotaged Kim; we had a complete bedroom set for her, attached to the McAfee house, about 8 feet high and 12’x8’. A stub bed, dresser, vanity, and a fake closet with sliding doors. On Kim’s dresser we had a Raggedy Anne doll, and I wired it as a puppet. From the grid I made it stand up and dance behind her. She couldn’t see it at first, and the orchestra and directors were trying not to laugh. Everytime she would start to turn I would sit it down again. She turned around towards the end and saw it standing up with its arms in the air. I made it jump on her, and cut the strings.
When Birdie arrived for the Key ceremony, we had substituted a copy made of PVC pipe, painted gold (same size as the wooden dowel version). When Birdie went to take the Key, it came apart and a flag popped out that said “BOOM”.
The McAfee house was made up of 4’x8’ wagons, and we had built out a full kitchen area on one section, with an oven and stove near the end, a counter with a sink making an L, and an actual refrigerator. A stair and landing led up (like yours did) to Kim’s bedroom, the parents bedroom, and a bathroom (apparently Randolph sleeps in the bathtub…). We made fake “Budweiser” labels and put them on 7-Up for the breakfast beer bit; at the brushup we subbed a can of real beer. We also had a fake head and a stuffed dog toy in there later.
We had fake eggs, bacon etc. glued to Mr. McAfee’s plates for the breakfast shtick, and Kim would bring back a similar plate with a stack of pancakes, eggs, bacon, etc glued on. We swapped in a plate with a stack of (real) glued together donuts, fake dog poop, and a small rubber chicken for Kim to carry to Conrad.
Our Randolph (Don Stitt) pulled his own little sabotage and brought a Playboy out of the bathroom, with the “articles about Conrad” cut out.
At the start of Act Two, Rosie is tossing stuff in her suitcase; we had a bunch of folded clothes (stuff from Goodwill discards) sewn into flat “packed” piles inside and attached to the bottom half divider, so Rosie could just toss stuff in on top. We always had a small amount of 2”x4” in under the fake clothes, to add a bit of weight. At the brushup we added a 5 pound pig weight from the fly rails at each scene change when Rosie was not looking. By the time she was trying to run from Albert it was around 15 pounds; after the final confrontation with Mae, it was 20 or so. She had to drag it off.
When Mae threatens to kill herself, we had her actually walk to the McAfee kitchen and stick her head in the oven. We cut out a side panel from the “counter” and removed the side of the oven. One of the crew hid inside the entire time, and when Mae stuck her head into the oven, he was looking out at her.
During the Shriner’s scene (which you guys cut… why?) the Mayor et al are wearing Fez’s. They were supposed to do a little flourish with the hats during part of the dance, swinging them around by the tassels. Our costumer had joined in on the fun; she undid the tassels and reattached them with thin elastic; when they tried to twirl them they extended about a foot. Rosie also joined in the fun, and added a breakaway skirt; when the Shriner’s were supposed to start tugging at her skirt it came off, and she was wearing Winnie the Pooh boxers underneath.
During the Ice House scene, we had several large blocks of clear plastic chipped to look like blocks of ice on the set. We subbed in real blocks of ice. About 8 if I recall. It was COLD on the platform Kim and Conrad sit on. We put a cigarette load in Conrad’s cigarette (yes, we could actually smoke on stage…). The girls in the chorus were in on it as well. When they tackled Conrad, they actually started to take off his jacket, shirt, shoes….. it was a VERY disheveled Conrad who thanked them for arresting him. Except that I had rigged the cuffs with a spring, and defeated the latch, so every time they closed them they sprang open again and fell off.
By the time Rosie brought her suitcase on in the final scene, it weighed 25 pounds or so. We had always had some 5 pound weights in the other bags on the cart; and several of them were actually screwed down as well, as they never moved off the cart (or we had duplicates) so that when Albert is wheeling Rosie about, she had a stable seat; her suitcase would fit in between. We had planned to add about 30 pounds of pigs, but in the frenzy we added more; turned out that with Rosie’s suitcase added, we had almost 100 pounds. Albert could barely move the thing around. Albert was supposed to pull the tickets to Iowa out of his briefcase. We added eight “snakes” the little coiled spring things…. and four superballs.

We had some fairly annoyed actors by the end, and the directors called us out on stage to chew us out…. but oddly, they never stopped the rehearsal, and even the orchestra was laughing….. the chewing out was essentially “OK, that was highly amateur, and very disruptive, and funny….. ahem, and we trust you got it all out of your systems. So we don’t have to worry about that on closing night, right?”

A Song of Writers and Actors

I was planning on waiting a bit longer before I started commenting on HBO’s ambitious endeavor to adapt George R. R. Martin’s “Game of Thrones” to the small screen. Right. Like patience is a virtue I possess in great measure. So after watching only the trailers, the interviews, the behind the scenes stuff, and the first two episodes (Geek? Me? Piss off) here are my initial impressions. They are NOT objective; write your own review.

First off, the things I have trouble with or just plain don’t like. Mark Addy as Robert Baratheon: OK, he’s fat, florid, common…. and all I can say every time he is on screen is “I could have done that better.” Typical actor, me. I can’t do fat as well as he does, but… he is just too one-dimensional. Not as he is written, but as he plays it. He’ll be gone by episode three, so I’ll get over it. Kit Harington as Jon Snow: he’s new to the business; this may well be his first TV or film appearance, ever. Kit, please keep your mouth closed. Too many scenes you look like a fish out of water. Stop pouting. You can be broody without looking Emo. Close your mouth. Michelle Fairley as Catelyn Stark: Sorry, she is not anywhere near as pretty as I felt Catelyn was supposed to be. She can act her way through the walls of Winterfell though. Rats. Wow.

I am still undecided over Emelia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen: she is pretty enough, and the platinum hair looks right on her, but she is stockier than I pictured Daenerys. She also has had very little to work with as an actress yet, so I’m going to have to wait a bit. Her brother Viserys, played by Harry Loyd looks much more like I pictured them both; almost elven (yeah yeah, I know…..). Wish they could have gotten the violet eyes though. Hell, they did it for “Dune” 25 years ago…. I’m also very annoyed by what appears to be the costumers idea of the Maesters chain; ummm, did anyone read her the books? Michele, these are described as fitting tightly about the neck, like a slave collar. What you have looks like someone tried to find a use for old drawbridge chains. Seriously, at what point does it say “Maester Lewins chain hung down to his testicles”?

Now, for the stuff I like or love so far. Top of the list is Peter Dinklage. He is superb as Tyrion Lannister. He has the mocking, wounded, ribald, cunning, and caring layers all beautifully bound together, and they come out at every point they are needed, each emotion underscored by the depths underneath. Oh, yeah. “I hope I can do stuff that well”. As an actor I stand in admiration. Jamie Lannister and Cersei Lannister, played by Nikolja Coster-Waldau (?) and Lena Headey are excellent; I can’t WAIT to see the later interactions. Sean Bean as Ned Stark should be kissing his agent; this role and he are a perfect fit. Maisie Williams as Arya has had a lot more to do so far than Sansa, played by Sophie Turner, but I see no reason to doubt 5 star work from both.

Visually the show is spectacular. The locations in Ireland and Malta work perfectly, the cinematography presents even more sweeping landscapes than “Lord of The Rings”, and The Wall…. Oh, yeah. Loved it. The main score by Ramin Djawadi is wonderful, and other than the Maesters chains (Michele, WTFO?) the costuming looks excellent.

As for the two episodes themselves, I am trying to avoid spoilers. I have at least one loopy friend who is going to wait for the DVD’s “so I can watch it all at once.” Really? So how come you watch “Fringe” one episode at a time, hmmm? Yeah, you know who you are… . I will say this; episode one takes a rather breakneck pace to cover about 200 pages. Daenerys is married to Khal Drogo before you can finish your first glass of wine. Jon practically walks into frame, looks about, and says “I’m going to take the black.”. Tyrion is whoring before you even meet him… and good luck knowing who is Robb Stark and who is Theon Greyjoy, as no one uses a name during the first hour… of a one hour episode. OK, that was hyperbole, but still.

The second episode included a scene not in the book, between Cersei and Catelyn in Bran’s room; it was inspiring. You feel the first stirring of compassion for Cersei… and then stop and ask “Was that all a lie?” If George wrote that, look for it in the revised printings of the novels. The “touching” farewell between Catelyn and Jon is also different in detail, though not in tone. Good job guys. And when Ned has to fulfill the sentence passed on Lady, in Nymerias absence….. whooo. Arya also gives a look that the camera holds which is apparently meant for Cersei as much as Joffrey. If I got a look like that , I would be checking for poison in my food and assassins in my bed the rest of my life. Its not hatred, it is a cold and uncompromising condemnation.

Winter is coming.

I need more lockers...

I told myself I was not going to use my blog for topical commentary. No rants on politicians, no current affairs claptrap… now I have to go whack myself after I post this, then comment about what a liar I was. Am. Are. Whatever.

I don’t like Gilbert Gottfried much. The nasal twangy New Yorker parody voice combined with the squinted eyes was annoying to me rather than funny. I remember laughing over one bit he did, about Jews in elevators not being scary; other than that I would refuse to watch him. He was sort of funny in “Beverly Hills Cop”. Sort of.

I do NOT think he should have been fired by AFLAC over the Twitter posts. Aside from the fact that they were no worse than Dead Baby jokes (still told in high schools BTW) or many gallows humor gags:
“Jesus walks in to a motel. He hands the clerk three nails and says ‘Can you put me up for the night?’”
“Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?”
“What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts.”
they were rude comments made by… a rude comic. It’s his JOB to be controversial, and to parody, mock and make japes about anything and everything. Bill Cosby did a routine about getting drunk and sticking your head in a toilet to puke; Jello let him keep working. OK, that may not be a good analogy. Tough shit. My point is that while I can see someone saying “well that was tasteless” AFLAC had no business firing him. Gilbert was NOT wearing a duck costume at the time. Some of Disney’s movies have been accused of racism and poor ethics… yet they are carried on every major cable channel, even though Walt has been outed as being highly anti-semitic.

And if firing Gottfried was right, why has Fox not dropped Glenn Beck? “God may be sending a message…” in regards to Japan? Is that not equally insensitive? Oh, wait, I forgot. That was Fox…

Alexandra Wallace posted an instantly viral video, ranting about Asians abusing the facilities at UCLA. I am appalled that she got death threats over this, that people hacked her and posted her class and finals schedules… yet no one is demanding they get punished. She may get expelled by UCLA… for expressing an opinion? I would get pissed if limited facilities in (presumably) off campus housing for STUDENTS was being monopolized by non-students. And people on cell phones in a library? Totally wrong. I would have done two things first; confronted the people, and if that produced no result, complained to the apartment managers or housing admins, and to the librarians. If that didn’t solve the problem, I might well have ranted online myself. I may not agree with your opinion; I will defend your right to have one, and to make it public. I despise the Klan, neo-Nazis, all of that ilk. They are still entitled to have rallies. And if they decide put a burning cross up, fine. I’ll just erect a fat buck-toothed white guy holding a jug of moonshine and wearing a ratty white sheet, and set that on fire. Right next to them. Tit for tat.

Now there is a NEW viral hate going about, over a teen girls music video. I’m talking about Rebecca Blacks “Friday”. I listened. It’s over-produced, has more voice-box vibro distortion than Cher used in her entire 5 year tour, and has some of the most insipid dippy lyrics I have ever heard. It’s STILL not as bad as a B-Side single called “Milk Cow” by Norman Greenbaum, which was with “Spirit in the Sky”. No one made death threats against Norman for “Milk Cow”. Trust me, that song is FAR worse than “Friday”. I once won concert tickets in a “worst song ever” radio contest with that song. The DJ found it, and immediately announced I was the winner. He would not even play it he said it was so bad. Tickets to see The Cramps, if anyone cares; “Bad Music for Bad People”. We miss you Lux Interior.

This girl is getting death threats too! Hundreds of thousands of people ranting about her. Why? Because we allow it. Because the interwebz allows anonymous bullying and defamation. The skinny little dweeb that used to get stuffed in his locker can now go online and post “I’m going to eat your liver you insipid racist bitch!” and get away with it. We have lost all concept of manners, because the internet has allowed us to unleash our own inner demons on anyone we choose. Like the Krell, our monsters of the Id race about in cyberspace contaminating and rending all that is not in utter sheep-like agreement. That has spread out into the rest of the world as well. “I can talk on my cell phone at any volume on any subject anywhere, because I am entitled to because I bought this iPod.” “How dare you listen to me! This is a private conversation!” “How dare you interrupt me! I’m talking here!” OK, that’s it. Find me a locker, that putz is going inside.

83rd Oscars.... why don't I have one yet?

The Oscars are over. 83 of them, of which I have seen….well…. less than 83. Piss off.

First of all, Anne Hathaway was wonderful. She was funny. The “Inception” themed homage to the top films (and Alec Baldwin) was pretty well done. A few moments lagged; certainly nowhere NEAR the equal of Billy Crystals Hannibal Lector montage…. However, once they got on to the stage…. is James Franco really an actor?

I know Brando refused to learn his lines, and worked only off a teleprompter. Ray Doherty once told me, when I corrected a line he delivered in a show I was stage managing “Anyone can read a line the way it’s written...”. OK, that was Ray. He was a good actor. Franco looked like he was not only reading off a teleprompter all night, but like he had no desire to be there, and had missed dress rehearsal as well. I ask you, if you got to work with Anne Hathaway and rub elbows with Hollywood royalty all night, would you not want to look like a pro? Or at least a talented amateur? They should have left him under a rock. He was so stiff he might have forgotten to take the hangers out of the rented tux.

Enough of that. Franco sucked (except for a brief moment in the Marilyn ensemble). Hathaway was brilliant. And cute. Always a plus. I still miss Steve Martin, and Billy Crystal, and Greg Proops on the runway with Melissa Rivers. Sue me.

I picked 7 out of 21 tonight; I should have placed wagers online on my Vegas book. Oh well. I didn’t see any of the Documentaries this year (again) so they don’t count. I thought Natalie deserved Best Actress for “Black Swan”, “Alice in Wonderland” for costume design (only “The Tempest” was surreal out of all of the rest, which were just…clothes) “Inception” for sound editing (nice work Tom O’Connell!) “The Lost Thing” for animated short, “Wolfman” for makeup (the only GOOD thing in the film) and “The King’s Speech” for Screenplay and Best Picture.

Melissa Leo over Amy Adams for Best Supporting was a toss-up. I confess, having a crush on Amy ever since “Enchanted” and “Doubt” ( why do I STILL not like Meryl Streep??) and “Julie and Julia” (and again…WTF?) I wanted her to win. Plus she was prettier than Melissa in the film. OK, in real life also, but Melissa is not exactly a drab…
In point of fact, there are only two I disagreed with strongly. One was “Inception” for Cinematography. To me, Cinematography is the brilliant filming of sweeping vistas, incredible scenery, awesome sets and gorgeous sunrises or sunsets. I picked “True Grit”, and they chose “Inception”, which owed most of it’s setting to CGI. Meh.

Christian Bale over Geoffrey Rush? What The Fuck? (notice, no subtle acronym). Seriously? This is like putting Justin Bieber in a commercial with Ozzy Osbourne (OK, they did that…) and then saying Justin is the more legendary. Christian BALE? CHRISTIAN Bale? Over Geoffrey Rush? Jesus H Christ on a crutch, are these the same people that elected Bush for a second term, is that why? Arrghhh. Everyone seemed surprised that I think a whiny egotistical tantrum throwing foul mouthed unprofessional violent antagonistic threat making piss-ant doesn’t deserve a nomination, much less an AWARD….. Christian Bale represents everything I find amateur in actors. I don’t care HOW good he looks or sounds on screen. If he behaves like a prima donna off screen, especially with the crew and production teams, without which he would be on a street corner busking… OK, wait one, BRB, my venom is melting the letters off the keys…

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I love Mumms.

One of my favorite moments was Kirk Douglas. I had two feelings here. At first I felt like having him up there when his speech is so impaired from the strokes was mean and degrading. Then I see him look over at Anne and say “You are lovely!” and I realize I am wrong. Plus his teasing of the Best Supporting Actress nominees… he didn’t slur any worse than Harrison Ford a few years ago….. and thank you Melissa, for the F-Bombs. I also really liked the set; the use of digital screens to allow projection in any scope, or lighting/stage visual effects was wonderful. We use them in rock shows often.

In summation; If you have NOT seen at least 50% of the films nominated, you are short changing yourself. If you are an actor or actress and have not seen at least 80% of the films, you are missing out on very cheap acting lessons. And if you think Christian Bale deserved an award, you are an idiot. Phhhbbbbfffttt.

In my opinion... you should change yours

You are entitled to your opinion. I firmly believe in this. Regardless of any “guarantee of free speech” this is something that I personally hold to be self evident. That being said, since I accord you the respect of listening to yours, I insist on the same in return. Quid Pro Quo. Tit for Tat (for those of you lacking a classical education, or who are not arrogant multi lingual intellectual snobs. Like me.) The minute you begin to shout me down, interrupt or otherwise heckle, you lose that privilege. Check page 2 of the rules. I don’t have many; that is one of them.

I also feel that in order to have an opinion you, yourself hold worthy, you need to have done some research. You should fact check. See if the opinion holds water. Just because you find a Flat Earth Society on the web does not mean that is true. “I heard it on Fox News” should cause everyone to look around. OK, cheap shot. IMHO, Fox news has all the accuracy of a dart thrown by a drunken blind man with cerebral palsy in the midst of an earthquake while standing on a medicine ball and being chewed by an alligator. Regardless, you might swear by them. Goddess knows lots of MY friends swear any time they hear the name Fox associated with the word news…

Have the self respect to look yourself. If you refuse to listen to anyone else, why do you blindly follow everything that Rush Limbaugh says? Does Bill O’Rielly hold the only true answers? Unless you are afraid your gods have feet of clay, I challenge you to use the internet to dig around on your own. Fact check. Sure, the San Jose Mercury is a hotbed of liberals trying to brainwash the poor people of Silicon Valley. Is every paper and news team other than Fox part of the conspiracy? Seems unlikely to me. If Bill and Rush are the sole bastions of truth, justice and the American Way, why have the godless minions, those Communist Liberal Abortionist Muslim Satanists (C.L.A.M.S. check out our logo…)not simply wiped them all out?

Taken our horrible mind-bending psychedelic stash of illegal drugs and brainwashed them? Waterboarded them until they confess they collect copies of the Koran, and back issues of Classics Illustrated? Plagiarism being the most sincere form of flattery.

Here is our lord and master, devouring a helpless conservative housewife. Stay home and raise that family! We know where you live!

This is so simple for us! We must simply be too stoned, sitting back in our hammock chairs and wearing pink leather while eating Organic Grown products from Whole Earth and watching Teletubbies to get this weeks secret gay message.

Wait. That’s odd. Not one of the Enron executives was in our club. The head of Tyco indicted for embezzling and fraud was Republican. The CEO’s of Merrill Lynch, Cargolux, VIA, Bayer, InkStop, Olympic Pipeline… wow, NONE of these guys are liberal pinko terrorist commies?

The day I hear about a Wiccan mother loading her four kids in the car and drowning them to “protect them from the evils of the world; they are with god now” I will give serious thought to changing my beliefs.

Until then, in my opinion, a lot of people out there have their heads up their ass. Call me a faggot pinko Satanist to my face, and I will gladly PROVE your head is up your ass. Just don’t kiss me afterwards for showing you the light….

Stuff of dreams

I have no idea yet how the story will start, or what will be in the middle: I do know this is how it will end. The names may change....

He walked in through the door of her fathers shop, just before closing. She was there towards the back, cleaning off the workbenches, brushing the small bits of wood, leather and metal into a bin with a small brush. She continued for a moment, unaware of him standing there behind her, watching.

A small smile turned up one corner of his mouth. She had changed even less than he expected. Her long dark brown hair, with hints of deep red catching the last of the sun like subtle fires hidden deep. Her smooth olive skin, the slender figure and soft curves of her, all still there. She stepped up on a short stool to brush off the top of a cabinet; and then like a feral cat she froze, aware of eyes on her. She turned her head and saw him.

“Hello, Marge.” he said softly. “It’s been a long time. You look lovely.” She stared at him for a long moment, unwilling or unable to speak. Her face gave away little after the first look of shock; but her eyes revealed the welter of emotions she fought to control. She turned away from him and began again to briskly clean off the cabinet. Her voice, when she finally spoke, was steady. “After all this time, you came back. No word, not a letter, nothing. Then you walk in as though it was yesterday.”

He leaned his staff inside the doorway, slid the pack off one arm and set it there as well. Carefully he began walking towards her. He could all but feel her emotions now, like heat radiating from her body. Anger, distrust, pain and betrayal…. and was there still, buried under all that… yes, there was. He moved closer and she stepped down quickly and moved away from him. She tried to hang the brush up on a small nail, placed a little out of reach for her. She had to stretch on tiptoe to hang it there. Her hands were shaking ever so slightly now, though her voice remained tightly controlled. “What do you want? Why are you here? Do you think nothings changed?”

Smiling again he stepped in behind her, letting his chest touch her back lightly. Marge went rigid as she felt him touch her. Knowing that she would know he was laughing a bit at the unsubtle innuendo, he reached over her shoulder and helped guide the nail into the small hole on the brush. He placed his cheek gently against hers, breathing in the warm smell of her as he did so, the scent of her hair and her skin filling him with memory.

“I’m here, little one. You have never, in all this time, been out of my mind. Or my heart. I’m home.” She relaxed against him suddenly, and he wrapped his arms around her and held her there. The first of many hot tears rolled down her cheek and onto his, though she made no sound at all. For the first time, she knew without a doubt he loved her. It did not matter if it was months or centuries, he would never leave her side again while she lived.


This was a dream I had this morning; powerful, emotional, evocative. I often dream of total strangers, perhaps taken from faces seen on TV, or passing in the streets. I sometimes dream about friends, rarely about former lovers, and even less often about current romances. Marge was my girlfriend in High School and for a year afterwards; we had a brief romance again three years after that. I have not seen or heard from her since. The woman in the dream was her, beyond a doubt. She looked exactly as memory says she did that last date. I was me, but not with the face or body I (ahem) usually inhabit. As sometimes happens, the "me" in dreams is not the physical me.

Reading Tolkien

I refused to read Tolkien when my dad tried to give it to me at 8 or 9. He had started me on stories from Galaxy and Analog (he did illustrations for both as well as Amazing while he was in college and for a few years after). Heinlein was “light reading” and I had not discovered Sword and Sorcery, other than the rather iffy John Carter stuff. I read “She” by H. Rider Haggard before I read “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” by Roald Dahl.

Chronicles of Narnia was too sanctimonious and preachy; I stopped after Asshats (sorry) Aslans second coming…. I mean appearance… though I liked C. S. Lewis’ Perelandra trilogy. I put Fellowship down after reading "Bilbo Baggins was celebrating his Eleventy-first birthday." Eleventy-one? Pffft. Please, Dr. Seuss is fun and funny, but this? Eldritch horror to rinse out my mouth and mind please! Quickly! I need Clark Ashton Smith, and perhaps to re-read “The Telltale Heart” or “The Black Cat”! Take me to Trantor, now!

Then I got stranded at a relative’s home in New Orleans one night, while the grown-ups went to play on Bourbon Street. I had hoped to have a pleasant evening with the grownups vanished, as my third cousin once removed on my stepmothers side (or whatever that would be called) was only 5, and my sister Lynne was about a year old. I was 11 plus a few months. The grownups had decided to bring over a babysitter to deal with them, rather than force me to; and she was lovely. “Go ahead! Stay out as looooong as you like!” I thought.

14 or 15, honey blonde hair, big green eyes, lovely accent… and OMG, an IQ rivaled by my cat. I grabbed “The Fellowship” off the book shelf nearby as the only thing I had not read. I had just finished "Dune" the prior month. I recall looking at it like a soiled diaper, and my (step-uncle?) said “You don’t judge a book by its cover, do you? Read the first four chapters”. I could see right away that reading ANYTHING would give me refuge from Barbielite. “You read? Books? Wow, ya’all must be smaht!” Off to my room I went, frustrated and dragging a surely insipid novel along as refuge.

I hit the Barrow Downs shortly after midnight I think, and was utterly creeped out. I even thought about going down and sitting near the blonde. The attack at the Inn in Bree was chilling, and the assault on Weathertop made the lights in the room dim, or so it seemed. When they reached the Fords of Bruinen and Frodo began the desperate escape astride Asfaloth, my heart was racing as fast as the horse’s.

The ‘rents got home around 3 AM, and found me so deeply involved I barely responded to them. My father and uncle drove the ladies out and left me there. They came to get me for breakfast late that morning, maybe 10 AM. I had gone downstairs at about 6 AM and grabbed “The Two Towers” as well as “The Return of the King” and gone back to my room. My stepmother tried to get me to put the book down at the table, to which I replied “I’m not really hungry Marilyn” and got up to go back to my room. My father and uncle stifled her protest instantly, and my aunt brought me up pancakes… or waffles… or shoe leather. I wouldn’t have noticed. If she had stuck one of my feet between two slices of bread, I would have chewed my own foot off and failed to realize it. I finished the novels that evening. I was so ready for more, I read the appendices. Yeah, all of them…..

I have read the trilogy 2-3 times a year ever since. I often grab it on rainy winter days, build a fire even if it’s daylight, or pull the drapes in my room and light candles and one dim lamp. I am not quite at the point of being a Bradbury-esque “People who are books”, but I am damn close. Without trying to get it word by word, I believe I could tell the whole story, in the sequence the novels are laid out even after the parting of the Fellowship. I wrote screenplays for all three novels in the late 80’s, and tried off and on for a decade to get Saul Zaentz or the Tolkien estate to even talk to me. I was fairly pleased with the final Peter Jackson films, though I confess I skip over the bastardized Faramir scenes when I watch the DVD’s.

So, if you ever want someone to read them to your kids, I’m available. If I ever wind up with my own, this is a fixed part of parenting. I will also read “The Princess Bride” (is this a kissing book?) and maybe even the first three Narnia novels. I was 18 before I went back and read all the way to “Voyage of the Dawn Treader”. Oh, and they will also get “The Last Unicorn” and “Wind in the Willows”, “The Phantom Tollbooth” and “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. I will leave Poe and Derleth, Howard and Burroughs, Lovecraft and Dunsany, Asimov and Ellison, Clarke and Heinlein until they can turn the pages themselves…..

Golden Globes 2011

I always like watching the Golden Globes; while it may not carry the "Prestige" (ha ha) of the Academy Awards, it always, or almost always, has a more personal, intimate, and often edgier feel. Certainly having Ricky Gervais host again added edgy this year. I like Ricky, and I like the fact that the Hollywood Foreign Press had him back this year, after he (supposedly) did jokes in 2010 they told him not to do. Kudos to the President of the HFPA, Robert Downey, and Tom Hanks for taking pot shots back at Ricky. Bruce Willis tried, but failed.

Regardless, I was quite surprised and a little disappointed over several of the early awards. Christian Bale getting the first award for Best Supporting set my teeth on edge a bit; certainly winning over Geoffrey Rush was utterly weird to me. Really? Christian playing an obnoxious loud mouthed drunk/drug addict was better than Geoffrey playing a speech therapist? Wow. OK. That was followed by “Carlos” getting the nod over “Pillars of the Earth” or “The Pacific”? Umm, sure, I guess…. I was getting a bit worried already. That was followed by Katey Segal winning for “Sons of Anarchy”, which wasn’t horrible ( I have only seen two episodes) but, beating out Kyra Sedgewick? Oh oh…

Then Chris Colfer won for “Glee”. Good for him. Although never having seen him anywhere BUT “Glee” I was I admit surprised to realize that the voice is not a character choice; he actually IS either a castrato, or the real voice behind Justin Beiber… that was followed by Steve Buscemi winning for “Boardwalk Empire”… and I thought he was there as part of the zombie horde for “Walking Dead”. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t actually expect “Walking Dead” to win…. I just wanted it to. Zombies never win anything.

The next two awards reset my hopes meter; “Burlesque” won for “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” (the theme for Cher’s upcoming final tour?) which is A) a really good song, and B) from a really good movie. The other songs were good strong contenders, and I could have lived with “Coming Home” or “Bound to You” also. Trent Reznor wins for “The Social Network” score! Yay! I love Trent Reznor… but to be honest… nah, I would have gone with “Alice”, or “Inception”.

I was really glad to see “Toy Story 3” win for animated. I also had to laugh over Justin being led out by the younger (and taller) Hailee Steinfeld ( I have no clue who she is, I even had to look up her name) which made him look dorkier and smaller in all ways than he is in person. I was right in my first reaction to seeing him throw down street gang sign backstage after his show in San Jose (where the audience were not allowed to have signs… WTF?). His only exposure to the street is having his hand held while he crosses. Anyway, “Toy Story 3” was a superb sequel, possibly the funniest and most touching of the trio. I just wish there was a way to also award “How to Train Your Dragon” which was wonderful, “Despicable Me” because I want some of those minions, and “Tangled”. I guess the nomination is sort of an award.

I hadn’t seen enough of the other nominees to have an opinion about the wins by Buscemi, Benning, Pacino or Lynch for TV shows. I was glad to see Claire Danes win for “Temple Grandin” though. It was not really an easy film to watch at many points; honestly, the only reason I did was because Claire was in it. (grin). Go Claire! Two for two! OK, David Strathairn was also a reason. The two of them really made this story work for me, and the personas just jumped off the screen. It’s the only reason I had to begrudge Colfer his award, because he beat out David. I was surprised and a bit disappointed to see “Social Network” beat out “The Kings Speech”, although Colin did take Best Actor, and I had been hoping that “Big Bang Theory” might win over “Glee” for best TV show, but seeing Sheldon get the award made that OK. Yay Sheldon! I also wanted Depp to win for “Alice”, but at least Paul Giamatti won, so that’s sort of OK. Paul is a brilliant actor. Having Natalie win for “Black Swan” was also good, although I had not seen any of the other nominees there either. I just really liked Black Swan. “Burlesque” losing out to “The Kids Are Alright” was also not a huge deal, though again seeing “Alice” win, or even “Red” would have been my preferences.