Hand held movies

Blair Witch was an innovative and interesting, and in the end pretty creepy, little movie effectively using the idea of "found" video footage as a documentary about the disappearance of three kids in the woods.

I went to see "Cloverdale" last night. It is also shot entirely as a hand-held camcorder record made almost by accident, of the attack on Manhattan by a monster. I'm not going to riff on it much, as I actually enjoyed it enough to wish it was shot as a "regular" film. I thought the monster was pretty scary, and quite effective for being shot from the vantage of a Joe Average running for his life, rather than trying to win an Oscar.

The audience was a different matter. Sadly, I am now convinced global warming will not destroy our species or our planet. It will be the people now in their early to late teens, unable to grasp the concept behind the "look what we found, let's watch it. oh crap" idea. The ones who sum up their dislike of something with "that was so gay" "Totally, that was the gayest movie ever" "yeah, it was soooo gay, I mean, I was like, hoping to learn about the monsters, and you know?'" Jessica Simpson would look down on them as being dimwitted; Paris Hilton could beat them at chess. OK, no, bad analogy. Paris could beat them at pick-up-sticks. OK, what the hell, she could beat them at chess too. She would at least grab all their men, and peep "mine! mine!" before burying that beak of a nose into the nearest sails. Miss South Carolina's unfortunate brain-lock moment of stream-of-panic-what-on-earth-is-my-mouth-doing-oh-my god probably sounded deep to them. "wow. she like, so has it, about you know, school, and Lemmings and stuff that, of course, isn't gay, and world peace." These knuckle dragging low-browed dorks wouldn't get an idea bulb if you glued one to their heads; these examples of horrible inbreeding among field mice and soccer balls are the ones who will be on the road in a few years killing innocent bystanders due to the complete lack of understanding of A) Physics and B) Rain, other than the fact that their BFF drowned in it once looking up, which at least will cull the herd somewhat. They will be wandering about inside our nuclear power plants going "what happens if I push this, huh huh huh" and causing a core-dump, which they and the cockroaches who actually rewired their five synapses will survive.

What makes it worse was that every one of them was a girl. Two of them might even grow up to be pretty, and have children, unless they forget to text each other with the "Breathe in. Breathe out." mantra every day. Or we might get lucky and they won't understand the concept of procreation thanks to the failure to teach actual biology or human sexuality in schools courtesy of the modern-day Shaker movement occupying Washington who will wipe us out by prohibiting actual physical contact, which is, after all so gay. Amazingly not one of them was texting, although they were sitting side by side and thus at a distance from each other. Of course they were texting again the moment they walked down the stairs, and I at least had the pleasure of watching two of them bounce off each other since they were not actually looking, all their faculties being absorbed in the complex process of stringing a few consonants together in txt-spk, DYK, and one even got turned around backwards and walked half way back into the theatre, before gazing about in bovine stupidity and reversing her direction, most likely texting "OMG! IM AB LOST! WTF, WWY?"

Our retirement is in their hands. WASF. Oops, sorry. We. Are. So.......

Did I mention I liked the movie?