Some funny stuff

Some of these are only funny at a remove of some time, and some were funny right then. I'm trying for a chronology from my early years on; no, the first one did not happen last week.....

Looking to see where the wee-wee came from while I was being potty-trained. My mother really didn't think it was that funny; I was just startled.... (what, 1 1/2?)

Trying to keep my friend Laura from looking at mine, even though she was adamant about it and pulling my pants down. Her mother had to intervene. (2-3 years old)

Putting a cheerio in my eye, because it was round, and my father put round things in HIS eyes at the table every morning. (Same age)

Trying to reassemble the camera I had taken apart. I actually got all the parts back on.... well, except the little plastic shield that covered the film, and let you see how much was left. Sorry. (4)

Setting the dining room center piece on fire, whilst ridding myself of the napkin I had stuck in the candle flame.... ooops (4)

Learning about gravity when I tried to throw a chunk of wood the size of my arm over a seven foot high fence. Bonk (4)

Learning that A) My mother screams really loud and B) Tarantulas do not take baths, when she saw one the size of a dessert plate marching it's wet little (big, hairy, pissed) self up the hill after me. How was I supposed to know that the hole in the ground I had decided to stick the garden hose in while supposedly helping her water was it's home? Who lives in holes in the dirt? (4 or 5)

Playing catch with ANY kind of ball is stupid, if you live at the top of a street that slants downwards for 100 yards at a 10 degree angle. You are not playing "catch". You are playing "Shit! Run!" so you don't lose another one to traffic on Farm Hill Boulevard, which is actually around the corner another 200 feet and down another sloping street. What dipshit builds houses on hills like this? Any kind of round ball is hopeless, and the bouncier they are the worse they are. Footballs still roll away really fast, they just look retarded doing it, and take evasive action at random, which actually makes you run more.... ( 3 to almost 6)

Discovering that tossing little rocks into the dryer flap from outside really wasn't all that cool, even if they did get tossed back out, after one got stuck and broke the dryer, forcing my parents to call a repairman, who asked how rocks got into the blower motor..... the cats? (6)

Stabbing my father in the nose while he was teaching me to fence. (7)

Punching my father in the crotch, when he switched to boxing lessons. (8)

Driving my bike in a circle and then falling off it, because I was riding around two 10 year old girls and showing off. (8)

Playing army in houses being built, and discovering I could jump out a second floor window and land in a sand pile below. The only thing better than the look of panic and shock on my friends faces was when we all stopped playing army and started leaping out the windows, and the look on the construction guys face when he came back to get something and saw 6 boys leaping out windows. Priceless (8 or so)

Showing up in my Zorro costume complete with sword on my first Halloween in a new school. And then finding out no one else ever came to school in costume.... whooops. (9)

Showing up in my cub scout uniform (yes, doubters, all the way to Eagle..) and discovering no one wore THOSE to school either... god dammit... (9)

Driving my brand new ten-speed into the rear gate of a badly parked station wagon and winding up all the way inside. Why? I was flirting with the girl I had a mad crush on, Debra Lakkso, who was in her swimsuit in her front yard. She did come running to see if I was OK, and felt it was her fault for calling out to say hi.... suddenly, being draped over the back of a seat in some asshole strangers station wagon was a good thing. (10)

Falling 10 feet or more from 50 feet up in pine tree, and landing sitting on branch, paralyzed and terrified. No girls involved, I just went too high and chose poorly... (10)

Having a crush on a teacher, and thinking neither she nor my classmates knew it. (11)

Thinking my cast was good for using on the 8th grader trying to bully me. Sure, hitting him in the head with a plaster covered arm made him run away. Fuck. I should have let him keep jabbing me. ( 11)

Getting the broken arm in the first place, chasing a girl on a winding brick garden path (supposedly because she took my glasses, in actuality so I could try another kiss) and tripping, falling and breaking my stupid arm. Would have been OK if I had still collected the kiss.(11)

Blushing even more than she did when I explained how Boa Constrictors work to a really lovely girl named Becky. (12)

Someone (ahem HI!) getting a Sequoia Players award for skimpiest bathing suit; two corn pads and a band-aid. Of course then I got a copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People", so I should probably shut up. I gave it away. I had already read it. Obviously it didn't take. (13)

Getting stoned for the first time with two senior girls during intermission for "J.B" and thinking the semi-chaperone would not have a clue. Who smells like pot? (15)

Discovering that what they tell you about ministers daughters is the tip of the iceberg. Nuff said. (16)

Finding that the two women I shared a dressing room with were down to underwear during a costume change, and realizing I hadn't noticed it in four or five shows, and several rehearsals. Then turning red because I was in nothing but socks and underwear, and I had no idea if I had ever been wearing the red and black tiger stripe men's bikini briefs. (17) (I stopped tightie-whities at 13 or 14, and boxers suck. Sorry girls, you may think they are sexy; you don't have to deal with the luggage issue...)

Getting outside the SOC dorms with Marc Lieberman, and reciting Romeo's balcony speech in stereo to the collection of 14 to 16 year old girls on the third floor, until their chaperone looked out to see what was going on.... (17)

And getting locked (tied, actually) into my dorm room at SOC with the whole batch while George Dragan and the others went off to the local bar. I hate being trapped in a room with, what eight pretty women? OK, and one gay male, and one other guy (Mitch? Help me out here!) (17)

Getting too high at my own cast party, walking out of my room and taking a shower to sober up, putting my pants on but forgetting my shirt, and walking back into my room. Problem? Oh, yeah. All my friends were still in the room; Cathy, Peter, Nancy, Wesa...... oh well. (17 or so)

Thinking that the bikini briefs I was wearing were dark enough, and looked like Speedos... sort of, so I could go swimming in the SOC pool while we were at Ashland. One, the material in Speedos is actually DENSER than, oh, cotton underwear... and the elastic holds up better if you are doopid enough to use the high board.... (18)

Getting too high with friends, and forgetting to tell them that in my bedroom was OK; when my mother opened the door two of them almost imploded, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't get out of my lounge chair to open my window. I had forgotten to open it, and smoke was "billowing" out from under the door. My mother called me an idiot, opened the window and marched out, and my friends were still paralyzed. Scott Breedlove was laughing almost as hard as I was. (18)

Horseback riding with Shelley and Scott Breedlove. Finding out my horse was cranky, when she would pick one leg up at random anytime we stopped, including once in the midst of stirrup-high bushes. Finding out she was in heat when she tried to let Shelley's stallion mount her, while I was still aboard. Finding out I could teleport when she (Nugget, not Shelley) tried to kick me while I groomed her. (18)

Watching Scott's feet come out of the stirrups when Shelley sent his horse galloping off across a newly plowed field, and not being able to stop laughing as the "Ah! AH! AHH! shouts of pain dwindled in the distance, because all Scott could do was grab the pommel and bounce. (18)

Accidentally (honestly) removing Lynda Paynes mini-skirt in the school hallway, then having to run all the way back into the main building while she chased me swinging her purse at my head,trying to give her the skirt back en-passant. (18)

Using a smaller snoshield ( or whatever those dumb round trash-can lid things were called) than I should have, and using it on a toboggan run. During the course of my completely out-of-control spinning slide I lost my hat, one glove, both of my goddamn BOOTS, one sock..... crap. Did you know snow is cold? Did you know that those stupid things have no brakes? Did you know that if you stop them by ramming head-first into a drift, snow will follow the path of least resistance through every tiny gap in your clothes? Did I mention snow is COLD? (18)

Taking Liz Sulikowski's halter top off, not once or twice but three times, every time I put my hand behind her neck. (18)

Losing a wheel chair race in college, because I took a "shortcut" and wound up rolling into the bushes at the foot of the wheelchair ramp. The guys in wheel chairs came down sllllooowwwwwwly.... (19)

Discovering my pants had split in back while ice skating with Lya, and I WAS wearing tiger stripes (new pair). (19)

Getting a pie in the face for my birthday, from Marge. (19)

During the performance of my scene for finals in drama, getting completely lost in the kiss at the end with my (female, dorks) partner Lori. We sort of both forgot, actually. Until the applause started. Whooops. Then we had to sit there and listen to notes, from Kurtwood Smith. (20)

Nude skydiving. Yes. Once. It was suggested at a party as a challenge actually, from a rather jealous boyfriend of a woman named Lisa. Unfortunately he never showed up, and I was left with a six-pack of dead-head skydivers, who still wanted to do it. The honest truth? I was terrified. I think I tried to grab the plane after I got dragged (yes) out. I probably wouldn't have remembered to pull anything if I hadn't been on a training leash. The only satisfaction came really at the landing, when one of the pros landed in some bushes; like, the only clump available in a 30 or 40 foot area. Well, that and what terminal velocity does to exposed skin, and ummm, other things.....(22)

Christ. That only covers me for 20 years. Chapter two will come later, I guess..... have you noticed, all of my dimmer moments involve women? They will be the death of me. Yesssss!